I talk to a lot of people about their relationships. And a lot of these relationships are about as healthy every bit the Ebola virus: common cold, distant, loveless, and mankind-eating.

I hear the stories about the heartbreak and loneliness, the lying and cheating, and the pain. Always the pain.

Inevitably, these conversations finish with some grade of the same question: "Why?" Why does he/she do this to me? Why does he/she not care anymore? Why won't he/she change?

Tolstoy said that all happy relationships are the same, but each unhappy relationship is unique in its own way.1 I suppose that'southward true. Merely I do think the question of fidelity, of why some people cull to remain true-blue and others do not, is fairly straightforward and easily answered.

It turns out that infidelity is actually not uncommon in both men and women. In fact, surveys gauge that well-nigh 1-fourth of all marriages experience adultery at some indicate. And that's simply counting the people who answered honestly or constitute out virtually information technology.2

It'due south as well very hard for most people to be logical most infidelity. They start raging all over the place and throwing people's shit out on the backyard. Or they go so deplorable and hurt that they can't look at the state of affairs reasonably and see all of the warning signs stretching out miles behind them.3

So let'south interruption this downward logically. I know algorithms aren't exactly romantic or sexy. Only then again, neither is adulterous. And then fuck it, you become an algorithm.

The Cheating Algorithm is quite simple and goes as follows:

SELF-GRATIFICATION > INTIMACY = Adulterous

In plain English language: when one's need for self-gratification outweighs their need for intimacy, cheating is probable to occur. Let'southward break that downward a little more and dig a little deeper:

  1. As humans, we all have a natural desire for self-gratification. Proficient food. Skilful sex. Petty work. Lots of slumber. Porn and video games and corn flakes.iv
  2. As humans, nosotros also all have a natural want for intimacy and to feel loved by somebody else, to feel as though nosotros are sharing our lives with somebody.v
  3. Unfortunately, these 2 needs are often contradictory. To achieve that intimacy and love, you have to sacrifice your own cocky-gratification at times. And to attain self-gratification, you lot frequently have to sacrifice some love and intimacy. This tin can be every bit simple as watching a movie you don't actually like or attention some boring work political party yous don't intendance about. But it can as well exist deep and complex, like being open up about your fears and insecurities to your partner or making a conscious commitment to be monogamous with that person for an indefinite amount of time.6
  4. If a person values self-gratification more than the intimacy they gain from a human relationship, then they volition stop sacrificing for the relationship and are likely to end upwardly adulterous. If a person values the intimacy they gain from a relationship more than self-gratification, then they will willingly sacrifice some of their cocky-gratification to remain faithful.
  5. Think of information technology similar a calibration. On one side yous have self-gratification and on the other yous have intimacy. If at whatever point the self-gratification side outweighs the intimacy side, well, so you go a cheater.why people cheat: the self-gratification vs intimacy balance scale

At that place are two means this tin happen. The first manner is that a person is but shallow and selfish and needs to exist gratified constantly. The second reason is that the relationship is failing to provide sufficient intimacy and want.vii Permit's unpack these ii reasons separately.

In my eyes, the definition of maturity is the ability to defer self-gratification in favor of more of import long-term goals.eight

You don't masturbate at work considering that would get you fired. You don't consume chocolate block for breakfast every morning considering that would requite you a heart attack by the historic period of 32. You don't mainline heroin straight into your eyeballs before picking your kids upwardly from school because, well, Jesus, exercise I really take to explicate that one?

Certain, these things feel prissy, only you have larger and more than important concerns and you're able to defer your ain gratification to see those concerns.

This is called "maturity." It's called "being an developed." It'southward chosen "not existence a fuck up."

Adulterous falls nether the same umbrella here. Sure, it may experience expert to rub your genitals all over that cute stranger's face, only a mature person is capable of stepping back and deferring their gratification in favor of a more than important life-long commitment.

Self-gratifying cheaters come in two flavors: miserable over-compensators and people in power.

The miserable over-compensators are constantly focused on their own gratification considering they feel and so miserable about themselves that they need to make themselves feel skillful to cover it up all the time. Chances are that if your cheating deadbeat of an ex-swain/girlfriend is a miserable over-compensator, adulterous isn't the simply destructive self-gratifying beliefs they pursue. They may be a heavy drinker, a hard partier, a drug user, or a social climber.

Or they may just attempt to take over the world.

The people in power are only that, people in high positions of power.9 They're Genghis Khan. Or more recently, Bill Clinton and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They are people who don't have anyone to say "no" to them or those who don't face up any real tangible repercussions for their actions. Or in the case of Khan, a man who just slaughtered an entire province of innocent people and wanted to spend the next week having a blood orgy with all the local virgins. Knock yourself out, champ.

But these don't just need to be people with social power. These can be people who are given complete power over the relationship, people who are shown no repercussions for their actions past their partners. Yeah, you tin unwittingly enable your partner to cheat on you. Which brings us to the second reason.

It's non rocket science to say that the likelihood of infidelity in a relationship is directly proportional to how miserable the relationship is.

The problem is that many people don't recognize the misery in their own relationships. They come from a family full of miserable relationships and/or have a long history of miserable relationships, then to them, it'southward not fifty-fifty miserable, information technology'southward just normal.

And so they get surprised when wifey is fucking the milkman. Everything was so expert, what happened?

No, it wasn't so good buckeroo. Let me explain why.

Damn you milk man. Always stealing away our women.
Damn you milkman. Ever stealing our women.

Wait, in that location are two relationship patterns that usually stop upwards with somebody cheating. Both involve poor boundaries.x And both create an illusion that "everything is great," when really information technology's a festering pile of cow shit with big reddish hearts painted on it.

The first situation is when one partner feels as though they "do everything" for the other partner. They take care of them, requite them everything they want, and in some cases support them. The person feels like a goddamn saint and then what happens? They go cheated on.

The reason this is actually a toxic situation is that when you do everything for your partner, when y'all take care of all of their problems and show them that no matter what happens yous will ever make it better for them, you lot show them that there are essentially no repercussions for their deportment. They lose their job because they were masturbating at the office once more and you decide to support them. And then they spend the next six months loafing around on your burrow while y'all tirelessly transport out their resume for them. What makes you recollect they're going to change? What makes yous retrieve they volition ever stop and question their ain behavior?

If yous had a dog that continuously pissed on your rug and every time you just cleaned up the rug because OMIGOD I LOVE HER, why would the dog e'er stop pissing on it?

That'due south what happens when these people cheat on y'all. You're actually surprised when you've been tolerating and enabling the exact behavior that led to them cheating all forth. No, information technology's not your "error," but you sure as shit weren't helping the matter.

Believe it or not, a healthy and loving relationship requires that people say "no" to ane another on occasion. It requires that each individual stands up for themselves and their needs. Considering only and then tin can two people, every bit self-respecting individuals, discuss what will work and what won't work for them in a relationship.

The other state of affairs where cheating always ends up happening is when one partner is insanely possessive and jealous.

Let me inquire you this, if you lot were dating somebody who regularly looked through your telephone without permission, demanded to know where y'all were at all times, got ripshit pissed off every time you went out with your friends without him/her and screamed at you lot until blood vessels popped in their face up if y'all get a unmarried day without calling or texting, why wouldn't yous cheat?eleven

I hateful, this person is essentially treating you lot similar you lot already cheated, even though you did aught wrong. So why non cheat? It won't get any worse.

And that's exactly what happens. "Well, my hubby yells at me every day anyway, and now that I'm with my friends and we've have had a few apple-tinis, I realize I oasis't been happy with him in about a yr, so yeah, why don't I buss this beautiful guy hitting on me right at present? He's really nice to me. And I'chiliad going to become yelled at when I go home anyway. So why not?"

And boom, the milkman strikes again.

Possessive/jealous behavior communicates extreme insecurity and a lack of self-respect. How can your partner respect y'all if you are incapable of tolerating any sort of discomfort in the relationship whatsoever?

True, sexy confidence comes not from fighting for self-gratification, but rather from existence comfortable with deferring gratification. Which brings us to…

There are elementary steps you tin can take to prevent getting cheated on. Note while they are "unproblematic" they are not necessarily easy to do.

Let me explain.

Step 1: Do Not Date Somebody Who Cannot Defer Self-Gratification Well

This goes without saying, just don't autumn in honey with the offset person who looks at you without grimacing.

Await, dating a self-gratifier tin can be awesome, as long as you continue to gratify them. But y'all need to learn to wait past the feel-appurtenances and expect at how this person really lives their life. Are they capable of making sacrifices for those effectually them? Are they impulsive? Does their life announced to be filled with unnecessary drama? Do they take responsibility for their actions?

The trouble with people who base of operations their lives around their own gratification is that they ofttimes appear confident to people who are broken-hearted or insecure. I recollect when I met my first girlfriend, one of the things I loved about her was that if she wanted something she just went and did it. I was so insecure and inhibited at the fourth dimension that I thought this was an amazing display of confidence.

What I later found out was that it was actually an amazing brandish of self-gratification. As shortly equally she wanted some other pair of genitals in her face, well, there they were.

As I described in this article, true sexy confidence just exists when someone is comfortable with what they don't have. Truthful conviction comes from being able to defer and give up i's ain gratification and desires and accept the advisable actions when necessary.

The other event with people who date self-gratifiers is that they recall to themselves, "Well, he's so loving and happy when he's with me, why would he ever desire to be with somebody else?"

Yeah, it'due south because he was dating you lot for the cocky-gratification, non the intimacy. And so of course he loved being with you, every bit long as information technology was on his terms. As soon equally y'all quit providing gratification for him, he went and found somebody else who did.

Step two: Enforce Healthy Boundaries

That means standing up for yourself. That means declaring what is and is not acceptable in the relationship both for yourself and your partner. That means sticking by those declarations and following through on them. That means doing pretty much everything explained in this article.

That means yous recognize that you are not responsible for your partner'due south happiness nor are they responsible for yours. That y'all practice non have a right to need sure actions from them nor practice they have a correct to demand sure actions from you.

That means that they are responsible for their own struggles but as you are responsible for yours.

That means that you realize often the almost loving and compassionate thing y'all can do for a loved one is allow them to deal with their struggles themselves.

The point of a human relationship is not for y'all to take all of your life'due south problems fixed by your partner, nor is it for you to gear up all of your partner's life problems.

The betoken of a relationship is to have 2 individuals unconditionally support each other as they deal with their own problems together.

Footstep iii: E'er Be Willing to Exit

This comes upwards in a lot of my replies to those emails I get, and it ofttimes catches people off baby-sit.

Merely a relationship is merely as strong equally each person's willingness to leave. Note that I didn't say want to leave, but the willingness to exit. Every healthy relationship requires the occasional loving but stern "no." Otherwise nothing volition always change because there'due south no reason for information technology to change.

A wise friend of mine told me years ago that after two divorces the most important lesson he learned was that "the quickest way to impale a human relationship is to have each other for granted."12

A relationship is not an obligation. It is a choice. Made every day. It is a option that says, "The intimacy nosotros share is meliorate for me than my own self-gratification." Information technology is a choice that recognizes the short-term costs are worth the long-term benefits. Information technology is a selection to appreciate what brought yous two together in the start place. And then to allow that continue you lot there.